Doom

I had some goals in mind for this post. It was going to be about how social media and technology contribute to, or at least have some correlation with loneliness and depression. It was going to touch on how social media site algorithms prioritize sensationalism to giving users "highs", and encourage short-form media and rapid reactions. It's similar to how people are affected by drugs, and can form addictions.

Technology also allows for contact with others, but without the same sort of real connections with people. When viewing short videos, or single-line texts, getting to know someone is de-prioritized, and sometimes impossible. You view the clip, or read the line, and move on to the next viral thing. People can be famous for a minute, and the most famous may only be something that got hot at the right time. If someone doesn't have a boatload of followers, they may never grow an audience – it's possible they've already missed their opportunity – and the algorithms are doing them no favors.

Note:

On the topic of algorithms, sites may decide a topic is off-limits and shadow-ban, or outright ban the topic. TikTok has denied it, but there have been signs they have done so in the US with Epstein now (NPR).

In short, more people are spending time on their phones at home rather than out with friends or meeting people. This is a big topic with numerous studies. I would like to write that post at some point, so hopefully I can muster up the energy to do so. Which brings me to my second topic.

Gloom

Context is a hard concept to teach, especially to a very-literal minded, still little person. We have to be careful how we phrase things at home, because a common phrase like "you need a break" may illicit an upset response like "I want to be fixed." Context is important. It can change the meaning of a statement completely. I think about that a lot now, and it's why I hid the title; this can be interpreted in multiple ways, and the worst way is the way it is most likely going to be read at first glance.


Click Me after reading about Context

I'm so tired, I'm ready for this to be over


This presidency feels like forever. Every day there seems to be some new, awful news. Every day I dread opening up the various sites and platforms I follow news and creators on to see what awful news I'm going to learn about. I don't think there has been a day yet where nothing upsetting has been reported. Even the headlines are exhausting. Media sites, their algorithms, viewership click-habits, etc., reward the flashiest titles, and everything has to look like:

BREAKING NEWS: HOLY S*** So-and-so-one Said 'BlAh bLaH' and So-and-so-two got OWNED!

- Some Important Person!

The political climate, and all of the social justice issues in the world right now have been the biggest factor in my recent depression and anxiety issues. I was spending hours at a time scrolling on both my phone and computer reading about all of the terrible things happening, both within the US, and outside of the country. Physical health issues also complicated matters, as I couldn't use workouts as stress relief.

That got bad enough that I began having migraines last year, which led to additional medications, and that led to additional vision problems. I'm taking a lot of medications now, with many of them only for addressing side effects from other medications. Panel two contains some additional info with potentially triggering details.

Eventually the depression and anxiety got bad enough to trigger occasional intrusive thoughts, specifically, suicidal ideations. This was usually occurring late at night, especially on nights when I'd struggle trying to fall asleep, but there were some exceptions. Gradually I began doing research more frequently. It was always with the intent of being done in the least traumatic way of being found, though in my head I know that's not how the survivors see it. One night I had the impulse to use a firearm, and that was the incident that made me reach out to my doctor. In the morning I handed my keys to the safes over, called my doctor, and began meeting all of the different members of my care team over the next week.

My PCP and Psychiatrist met (they work in the same practice), and recommended an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy) to me. I called a couple places. The first wanted to admit me immediately into their residential program, where I'd have been living on-site for 4-6 weeks with virtually no outside contact. The second place I tried was more open to PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program), and then stepping down into their IOP. I've been enrolled in the PHP for two full weeks now. It's been mostly good results so far, with only a couple minor setbacks.

Zoom

One thing I've noticed during my time in group therapy is that I've missed being around people a lot more than I realized. We haven't regularly been around people we know since before the pandemic, and after two weeks of meeting and speaking to people, it has become painfully obvious that is at least part of my problem. The other stuff was a trigger, but even though I've never been an actual social person, that was still something missing in my life.

If anyone else feels as though they are also missing that, I've been thinking of something like online meetups or games. It could be something scheduled, or impromptu; it could be open-forum chats, or cards against humanity, uno, etc.; it could be synced movie nights or a book club; and I'm also open to setting up private social media servers running something like mastodon or friendica. I do run my own discord server, which is also an option.

If any of that sounds like something you'd be interested in, or you have other ideas, you can message me on facebook, instagram, through my contact link(s) on the website, phone, or through any of my emails you might have.